So, I figured I’d list the things that are going to be happening in the next few months to clear my head.  I have a rough idea of where to take Jenn/Audrey, though, but most of it isn’t in this outline.  (And no one cares about Hokan, because he was lame and didn’t come watch the SHnY movie with me..cough.)

If you guys have anything you want to do specifically, let me know!

Big Events

Anime Expo - Seems like we’re doing this one again, and I don’t regret going.  Since I’m not cosplaying this year, it seems much more free to just reeeelaaax.  Sounds like more of just hanging out with people than purely con stuff, and I can see Audrey and I going to miscellaneous places during the 1-4.

PAX - First time that I’m going.  I haven’t signed up for it yet, but everyone’s kind of telling me to go.  So..looks like I’m going.

Distant Worlds, SF – Dave’s coming!  And I have high hopes for the SF Symphony, especially since I haven’t heard them before.  The Seattle Symphony was…underwhelming.

Places in San Jose/SF

I’ve been getting this question a lot lately, but seriously guys, I don’t go anywhere! :V  Usually I’m way too tired to go out after work, but weekends have been much more forgiving to let me go places.

Lisa Tea Treasures - Actually, I’ve already gone here for tea time.  It’s a pretty cute place, very girly, and their food is rather good.  Prices are mid-range for a tea room, a regular set being ~$24.

California Academy of Sciences (Aquarium) – This has been on the radar this week, but I may not be visiting until two weeks later.  Seems like the co-workers are in agreement that it’s worth going to at least once, even if it’s a little pricier than other aquariums.

Santana Row - Open shopping area very reminiscent to Disneyland’s Main Street.  Has a slew of brand shops, a resident Pinkberry, and some decent looking restaurants.  Only ~5 minutes away, and it’s probably one of the better (if not the best) upscale mall areas you’ll find nearby.

Now I seriously need Audrey around so we can find an awesome Karaoke place..

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

I DON’T CARE WHAT I POST HERE BECAUSE

right now I feel like shit and carcass.

Okay, I’m done now.  Get out.

fff, I wish I had a Sweets Spirit.  Caramel is so adorable. > <

TWO MORE DAYS.  TWO MORE DAYS UNTIL I CAN RUN FREE.

I WISH I COULD GO ON MY DATE.  I WISH I COULD PLAY POKEMON.  I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH

Today I talked with a friend, and we figured out a lot of things that I were feeling weren’t very positive.  I was feeling down because of things I didn’t realize until having this conversation.  We walked the entire length of the street until we reached a park that I’ve been to about twice while being here.  I’ve never even gone to the swing section, but we sat there for a long while and it was enlightening.

It is awkward because this person likes me.  He confessed to me two days ago, and I don’t think I can reciprocate his feelings (for obvious reasons.)  If you know who it is, all the easier.  I’ve been thinking about it for a while and the main reasons I’m saying no–besides the fact that I’m taken–are the following: his age, the depth of his emotions (questionable,) and his loyalties (hard to explain in one post.)

I think a huge problem is that I have the mentality that he is still my younger brother.  I feel like I need to take care of him and watch him grow into an amazing programmer.  He has a lot of potential, and he’s..well, giddy most of the time.  Conversely, I am rather introspective and cynical, so it doesn’t work very well.

I do like the fact that he is always there for me, and the past two days he has listened to my problems; mainly how I feel limited in how I act as a Producer, the limitations I feel as a friend, a girlfriend, and a daughter, and how I could resolve them.  Even though he doesn’t have very deep emotions (my opinion,) he did tell me to follow my heart.  And however corny it is, and however obvious it is, I had to reconsider and reconstruct myself in my head using those directions.

For these past two days, I’ve been looking at old pictures.  Of my old group, my family, my friends, Neb, etc.  It made me realize that I am lacking a lot of things because  I don’t explain a lot of myself to you guys.  I’m too afraid you will all say no.  And so I ask for spurts of attention randomly instead of just asking for the few things that I need, which I feel may make me confusing and/or clingy.

So, this is what I want, or need, I suppose.

- I find I do need more alone time than the average person.  This doesn’t mean alone time in the sense that you can’t call me or talk to me on AIM no matter what.  It does mean that if I have a final or an assignment to finish, that if I tell you that I’m working on it once, that you acknowledge that and leave me alone.  I will get back to you once I’m done, for sure.

- I don’t like having a lot of friends, but I do like the friends I have.  This means that you shouldn’t doubt yourself or try too hard to be my friend.  This has been happening more recently, where people have been asking for my attention a lot by doing action A or B, and honestly, it really just drains me.  You just need to be yourself.  I know when you’re overexerting yourself, so don’t.

- From Neb, I need a steady, daily affirmation of love.  We don’t have to meet, but I would like to know how his day went.  It reaffirms my role in his life for me, and I appreciate that.  I used to think that it shouldn’t matter if I expressed negativity towards leaving when he asks me to leave, but I flipped the situation so it made more sense.  Because I feel bad, I am limiting his activity because he would never want to make me unhappy.

Conversely, I would like him to be more vocal about how he thinks or feels, while being more careful about what he says.  I think it helps a lot hearing the words you speak, and then catching yourself so it’s easier in the future.

Basically, I like him to be healthy and interesting, and take a healthy interest in me as well.

- From my parents, I need understanding and positive reinforcement.  This has been working out much better recently, where my mother has been much more cognizant of my current schedule and how much work I’m constantly dealing with.  Because she sees me working virtually 24/7 (usually I’m at home if I’m not at school,) she has no reason to doubt me anymore.  From my father in particular, I’m getting a sense that he’s feeling much better about himself, but is becoming very sensitive in the process.  He does get a bit snappy, and it’s taxing when he becomes like this randomly.

Wow, this was a wall of text.  But yeah, this is basically everything I’ve been thinking about in a nutshell that isn’t school.  And..you really don’t want me to go there, really.

If you have any questions on how I got to any of these things, leave it in the comments and I’ll get back to you.  If you’re worried I’ve addressed you in particular and have any comments, feel free to let me know as well.  But before you do that, know that none of these things are meant in the slightest offense.  I love all of you (take a look at the post below,) and you all give me great pleasure in being alive.

Because being alive is probably the most difficult and important thing  for me right now.  And you guys are all helping me succeed and get my confidence back.  I guess I can say this is a Thank You part 2, as well as a Moving into the New Year kind of post.

Until Friday!