that everyone is changing around me.

This is what I wanted. You’re amazing. Wow. ♥

I loathe you.

But my tool sheet is working now. So screw you!

The last time I wrote something extensive to you, I did you an extremely bad disservice, we struggled as acquaintances, and I felt like the fragile connections we had together broke pretty rapidly then.

I wanted to take the time to write to you properly a few years after that all happened, because I think there's value in underlining the progress in depth and the high significance I place in our friendship.

For me, this feels like a milestone. As people I love find their path, however vague or frustrating or wonderful it may be, I find myself in a place where I become more lost.

From high school to college to now, you have (for better or for worse,) become my touchstone. Someone I can always refer to, talk to, sit next to--to find myself again, and understand that this world isn't so broken and hectic.

I don't really know if I've just been bitter and have attempted to ensure my sanity by blocking off the majority of people I meet, but you are one of the very few (possibly the only,) person I have full confidence in. Many times I've said, "I don't trust anyone." In a lot of ways, this bothered me, because many times I don't think I had a very good reason for trusting or not trusting someone. Everything grew from my gut and choked me, to the point where even if I wasn't sure if I liked or hated a person, the mere fact that I couldn't make a choice made me hate them.

The way you approach people has made me change the way that I interact with others (and I know you're saying to yourself, "That wasn't intentional.") It's okay if it wasn't, and I think it's better that way. There have been very few moments in my life where I felt I was struggling for something and actually got the precious thing I wanted back, and you encompassed one of those few times. When I finally received your friendship again, I felt like I had to really buckle down and understand myself, my intentions, and what I was actually trying to accomplish with people. Everything I said came out of an overly shy, defensive, and awkward individual instead of the strong, charismatic, whimsical person I wanted to be.

I felt lonely. And it was then I realized I needed people. Maybe too much? But it became more obvious as I went through high school. San Marino was the only place where I had stayed for more than a year, and it was there I found the only friends that I feel guaranteed to last me a generous lifetime. I tried hard after that. With Audrey, with Hokan, with Jenn. No matter what, I didn't want the same thing to happen to them as what happened to us.

No matter how you grow or where you end up or if/when we'll see each other in the upcoming months, I want you to know you have absolutely changed my life, and I can't imagine a world without you.

No homo.

♥ Jess.

and carefree, beautiful whimsy !